​Darby Logan's ePortfolio

Where I Went Wrong… Times Seven

 

                I messed up on this project big time.  And the sad part is, I really liked the topic.  It’s tempting to blame it on other things, but, all in all, it’s my own fault.  I was the one who didn’t read my email, and didn’t take care of my migraines when they started, and put things off until last minute.  It was nothing the group did, nothing anyone else said or did.  It started with me, continued with me, and ended with me. 

 

                When we started the project, my entire group agreed to focus on sustainable farming, something we were all very passionate and at least somewhat educated about.  We came at it from all different angles – local, global, economic, social, anything you can think of.  The work was meant to be done mostly in class.  We finished each in-class assignement quickly and completely, and got ahead a little more during each class period we had to work on it.  Then, we met outside of class and decided to go during a specific class period and interview both people from Dining Servces and at the Farmer’s Market about sustainable farming.  Just my luck, though, I forgot about our plans, had a migraine that day, and decided to skip class to try and sleep it off instead.  I felt like an idiot when classmates informed me that my group had been looking for me and had to go without me during class.  One.

 

                Thanksgiving break came around soon after that.  I didn’t check my email very much during the week I was at home, trying to soak up every ounce of anything not school related I could.  That was my next bad choice.  Two.  I missed an email from Cat with the video she had put together from the day of interviews; I had zero participation in any part of that video.  That was Thursday, Thanksgiving.  The next email I received was Sunday, Hollis saying that it looked good.  I got back late Sunday night, still having not checked my email, and skipped my 8 am – 12 am Studio Class the next morning.  Around 9:30, Hollis texted and called me, but I didn’t answer as I was still asleep.  Caroline came to my door at 11, and her knocking woke me up.  She told me that the deadline for the project was at noon that day, meaning we had an hour to finish.  I was asked to put together two powerpoints, basically summing up what we had come up with those first few days of class, with the prompts Catherine had written up for us.  I’d had a migraine the night before on the way back, and still had it that morning.  I barely remember the conversation with Caroline at the door; I was still in bed.  The next thing I knew, I heard knocking on my door again.  I looked at my phone, and cursed at myself for letting this happen – I had fallen back asleep, for 40 minutes.  Three.  Caroline asked if I could get it done in time.  I said yes, 22 minutes was enough time.  I was trying to make up for not doing much of the project, which is why I told her yes.  That was another bad idea on my part.  Four.

With three minutes until the 12:00 noon deadline, I had about half of one of the two powerpoints done.  Caroline came to the door, extremely annoyed that I had failed them once again.  I told her I was working as fast as I could.  She told me that Hollis had done one of the powerpoints already, the one that I had started working on, and that she had started the other one, and could finish it in time if I wanted.  I said yes, as I had nothing effective done.  I’d had almost no part in this project’s production since those first few days of class with the in-class assignments.  That made me feel even worse. 

I went to class that day, and I couldn’t even talk to them.  How was I supposed to explain this without sounding like I was making up excuses? My silence, though, didn’t help.  Five.  My group took it as though I didn’t care that I had screwed up that badly.  We were one of two groups who didn’t have time to go, which meant we could have more time to prepare our presentation portion. My next major screw up happened here.  I didn’t check my email. Again.  Six. I usually check it every day when I’m at school, but I was feeling overwhelmed after not checking it all of break and coming back with such a big failure solely on my part.  Monday afternoon, after class Cat emailed our group and asked to have a meeting to discuss our presentation Tuesday at 8 pm.  I never read it.  The next day, Cat caught me at 6:30 pm, and asked if I was coming to the meeting.  I was on my way out to meet a friend with a car to drive me to Walmart, where I had to pick up a medication I needed for that night.  I told her I’d try to be back as soon as I could, but I had to go and wasn’t sure if I’d be there on time.  I realized after that I didn’t tell her that it was absolutely necessary for me to go to the store, and it couldn’t be put off whatsoever.  I got back to my room around 8:10, after grabbing dinner from West End and bringing it back to my room.  I did some homework, this and that.  At 8:25 I realized that I had gotten back in time to be at the meeting, and had forgotten about it altogether.  Seven.  I eventually just gave up and went to bed, as I still had a migraine on and off since I’d gotten back Sunday.  I missed my Studio class again the next morning. 

                When I got to SERVE class the next day, I used the same method, that I still for some reason thought was effective: silence, to show my regret and disdain for myself.  My group, though, interpreted it as me not caring, again.  They had made decisions in the meeting and didn’’t inform me about them.  Which was my fault, I was the one who didn’t come to the meeting.  They all decided to wear red, to look like tomatoes.  I had a green shirt on.  They decided who would talk about which piece.  I didn’t say a single thing.  I left feeling absolutely terrible about everything – a complete failure. 

I later learned that the group had thought I didn’t care, and had even purposefully skipped the meetings and classes.  I was overwhelmed and dropped the ball, and I really suffered for it.  I realize now that I had skipped the wrong things.  I should’ve cut other things out when I was overwhelmed, instead of reading emails and waking up on time.  My coping mechanisms didn’t help – in fact, they made it much, much worse.  I made at least seven bad decisions, all of which could have completely turned this project into a success on my part.  But, I didn’t, and I had to pay for that with a terrible grade, a lot of backlash from my own conscience, and possibly losing three great people and friends.  There is only one thng I can do now, as far as I see, and that is explain and hope for the best.  But, I have to deal with whatever consequences I have brought on myself.  It was no one’s doing but my own.  Making mistakes is part of growing up, and I am still very young. 

Who said a leader never screws up? Without completely messing up multiple times, how would they have learned how to be effective and corrective? It is only because of a person’s past mistakes and screw-ups that they can lead.  I reread Kouzes’ “Leadership Is Everyone’s Business” after this whole chain of events and mistakes occurred.  At one point, he makes the comment, “[Leaders] see all experiences as learning experiences… The instrument of leadership is the self, and mastery of the art of leadership comes from the mastery of the self… Through self-development comes the confidence needed to lead.”  And you can’t become confident in yourself until you are confident in your failures. You have to take responsibility of what you’ve done wrong, and be comfortable with the fact that everyone fails at some point.  Sometimes they are minor failures, and sometimes they are much more major; but we have to learn from every single one.  One failure does not mean you give up.  It means you tie up your loose ends, take a deep breath, suck up your pride, and keep going.  I will keep going.